That's pretty damned impressive, especially when you consider that I've caught this bug that's going around and am running a terrible fever. I mean a bad fever, the kind where your hallucinations have hallucinations. Keep that state of consciousness in mind as we look back at what I consider the key events of 2012, in chronological order:
March 12: Right-wing blogs applaud when an American sergeant in Afghanistan goes psycho and kills sixteen civilians for no apparent reason.
April 4: Joe Arpaio uncovers "conclusive evidence" of Barack Obama's Muslim birth.
April 18: Dana Loesch says that Democratic women get raped more often than Republican women; as evidence, she cites an insane tirade by Andrew Breitbart.
August 12: Governor Scott Walker of Nevada survives a recall election.January 3: Kathy Griffin says something that doesn't annoy me.
March 15: Rick Perry reveals that, under the name "Dr. Michael Persinger," he has frequently contributed to the peer-reviewed journal Perceptual and Motor Skills.
January 7: Fox News labels Barack Obama an anti-Semite after Obama voices agreement with Gershom Scholem's contention that the Sefer Yetzirah "copped a few riffs" from the first century Christian Gnostics.
September 17: Mitt Romney picks Governor Paul Ryan to be his running mate, saying: "This is my own small tribute to Ravi Shankar." Paul Ryan immediately grabs center stage by claiming that "really built dudes" can fly by flapping their arms.
August 25: Neil Armstrong's final words: "My god -- it's full of stars!"
July 2: Barack Obama endorses same sex marriage, thereby making homosexuality mandatory for everyone everywhere including YOUR SON that's right YOUR SON will spend the rest of his life having sex with other men and it's all Barack Obama's fault.
September 3: Barack Obama loses first debate to Clint Eastwood; Dick Morris loses second debate to Cobie Smulders, Verne Troyer loses first debate to Ann Romney, Honey Boo Boo ekes out a surprise win against the ghost of Anthony Burgess, Bigfoot loses second debate with Chris Matthews. Then it's on to the playoffs.
June 18: Kate Middleton gets naked, does pole dance, performs mock cunnilingus on a taco on the BBC, burns tongue, regrets entire life, becomes nun.
December 11: Mitch McConnell filibusters himself until he cums.August 1: Krystal Ball. There is an actual woman named Krystal Ball.
February 23: Josh Gates leads the Destination Truth crew into the heart of Tea Party country where he captures the hoof-print of a half-man, half-mandrill who is running for the state senate from a suburb of Mobile, Alabama. In the second part of the show, Josh jumps from space and lands on Roger Ailes.
May 1: Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry argue over who is studlier. Both lose. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum says he's ready to take more dog urination. "We're talkin' Rottweilers. I'm not a wussy!"
October 7: Gloria Allred says that Mitt Romney lied under oath to keep Staples from divorcing his wife. In response, Staples announces that each customer will attain samsara free of charge.
July 29: The opening Olympic ceremonies feature a tribute to notable American serial killers. In response, Chris Hayes says "I need glasses that make me look even weenier."
March 2: Bill Maher calls Sarah Palin a "cunt" on national television; later explains he meant this "poetically." Taking offense, Palin says that she prefers the term "vagina."
August 3: Numerous right-wing sites claim that "Dark Knight" killer James Holmes was a member of Occupy Wall Street. They then go on to blame OWS for the length of the Hobbit movie and the death of Socrates.
September 4: Emperor Napoleon III captured at the conclusion of the battle of Sedan.
What were your most notable moments of 2012? Send them to me via ESP and I'll publish a list of unnerving correlations between the Merkavah mystics of the third century and the film version of Fight Club. I think I had better be unconscious now.
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